Tis The Season To Be Jolly

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 216

BOREHAM WOOD - 1  [Dixon 39]
SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Akuamouah 23. OG 57]

Merry Xmas and all that nice seasonal stuff. Sorry it’s a bit late, but some twat decided that a 12pm Kick Off on Boxing Day was a good idea.

An Early Xmas Present

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 551

SUTTON UNITED - 3  [Akuamouah 1. Palmer 47. Haworth 49]
BRAINTREE TOWN - 1  [Simpson 88]

After our less than impressive opeing day display at Braintree’s place, we were eager for our lads to restore a bit of pride by giving ‘em a fucking good hiding. “Nah, no chance” we said.

Less Than Fifty

RYMAN LEAGUE CUP 2nd ROUND
Att: 46

THAME UNITED - 1 [Too Foggy to see! 66]
SUTTON UNITED - 3 [Gray 18. Mison 82. Haworth 89]

Picture the scene. The year is 2069 and 95 year old Dan Taylor, trillionaire playboy, shagger of supermodels and El Presidente numero uno owner/manager of 5 time AdidasJiffyCondomsNike Global Ultra Tool Total Mega League Champions, Sutton United is being interviewed on Sky Sports.
“So Dan, at what point during your time following Sutton did you finally realise you were a stupid sad bastard?”

Xmas Shopping

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 591

SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Boothe 10. Akuamouah 73]
BEDFORD TOWN - 2  [Jackman 3. Slinn 38]

Why do I do it? Why oh why oh why??

A Man Short

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 253

MAIDENHEAD UNITED - 2  [Cook 41. Channell 46]
SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Haworth 8. Palmer 74]

What is it with us and playing against 10 men??? Every time the opposition lose a man, we go to pieces. Yet when WE lose a man (IE - Canvey) we cave in and get sodding slaughtered. Oh well, just another thing to add to the list of things that piss me off about JR’s teams.

The Chumpions League

RYMAN LEAGUE CUP 1st ROUND 
Att: 205

SUTTON UNITED - 5 [Haworth 43.119. Palmer 49. Gonsalves 54. Akuamouah 96]
DULWICH HAMLET - 3 [Richards 20. Perkins 53. Allen 78]

AFTER EXTRA TIME

The Ryman League cup. Not exactly the Champions League is it?

Morroccan & Rolling

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 574

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [OG 29]
CANVEY ISLAND - 4  [Boylan 71. Vaughan 77.79. Knight 88]

Now, when you’ve played as badly as the U’s have in the last couple of weeks and hardly managed an effort on goal, the last thing you need is a visit from the team topping the table and unbeaten in 16 games. Sadly, we don't get to make the fixtures so this is exactly what we're getting today. Bummer.

Beaver Bar

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 291

HAMPTON & RICHMOND BOROUGH - 2  [DeLuca 67.78]
SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Timothy 68]

The U’s continuing association with mediocre football continued unchecked at Hampton’s  Beveree ground on saturday with another very very toothless display.

Trophy Hen-Don & Dusted

FA TROPHY 1st ROUND
Att: 287

HENDON - 2  [Haule 44. Pickett 90]
SUTTON UNITED - 1 [Honey 90]

Sutton carried on a great recent tradition on Saturday, crashing out of an FA competition without so much as a whimper at fellow Ryman Premier side Hendon.

The Traffic Bollard

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 494

SUTTON UNITED - 4  [Arkwright 42. Boothe p55. OG 79. Murray 89]
HEYBRIDGE SWIFTS - 1  [Parker 49]

Oh yes, Colin Wall. What a player. What a muppet...

Essex. Flippin’ Essex

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 272

PURFLEET - 1  [Etherington 68]
SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Akuamouah 27]

Essex. Flippin’ Essex.

Ministry Of Sound

FA CUP 3rd QUALIFYING ROUND
Att: 1961

ALDERSHOT TOWN - 3 [Browne 41.49 Payne 44]
SUTTON UNITED - 0

Ah, the FA Cup! That marvellous old competition which conjours up images and age old stories of pride, passion and will to win all in the name of glory.

Jumbo Smarties

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 954

SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Palmer 65. Haworth 76]
ALDERSHOT TOWN - 0

It’s Tuesday night and in a dark alley somewhere in Sutton, two shadowy figures meet. A tall guy in a green top, wearing padded gloves is engaged in a whispered conversation with a shorter gentleman wearing an Amber coloured scarf.

Back To Normal

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 582

GRAVESEND & NORTHFLEET - 3  [Booth 4.50. Stadhart 21]
SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Boothe 15]

Ahhh it’s good to be back!

Whilst the mighty U’s were thrashing the life out of Jewson Wessex League titans Eastleigh in the cup on Saturday, I was getting very pissed, very cheaply at a wedding reception in Manchester.

Seven & A Half Bags Of Sand

FA CUP 2nd QUALIFYING ROUND
Att: 402

SUTTON UNITED - 5 [Akuamouah 17.28.61 Keevill 35 Haworth 90]
EASTLEIGH - 1 [Puckett 51]

Match Reporter: Bob

Bob’s responsible for this one as muggins here had to attend a family wedding. Ho hum.

Don't Get Carried Away Now!

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 458

SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Haworth 16. Akuamouah 78]
CROYDON - 0

Now, this is good. But it’s also very irritating. After 6 weeks of the season, we’d managed to amass a grand total of 5 points. With tonight’s game, they’ve now got 6 points in 4 days.

Step Back In Amazement!

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 352

HITCHIN TOWN - 0
SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Arkwright 28. Akuamouah 76]

Sigh. When are we going to get a win?? How much longer do we have to wait for three sodding points?? It’s depressing, I can tell you.......

Hang on a mo. We DID win!!! We actually bloody played a game this season and got 3 points!

Please Make It Stop

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 279

BASINGSTOKE TOWN - 3  [Davis 8. Sills 32. Gorman p90]
SUTTON UNITED - 0

So where do we go now? Ten games, or a quarter of the season played and we’re still awaiting a win.

Nine Down...

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 502

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Murray 20]
ENFIELD - 1  [Georgiou 55]

Aw c’mon now lads, this shit just isn’t funny anymore. I know you’ve got to have a sense of humour to follow a Non-League club, but this is fucking ridiculous.

It's Essex Time...

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 206

GRAYS ATHLETIC - 3  [Abraham 24. Fiddes 29. Cooper 43]
SUTTON UNITED - 3  [Haworth 37. Palmer 66. Murray 74]

Let me tell you, a trip to Grays is not one of the favoured awaydays of the Sutton faithful.

Three into Twenty One

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 553

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Boothe p57]
ST ALBANS CITY - 1  [Nabil 7]

And so it continues. Sutton’s incredibly crap start to the season is now firmly on track. Seven games played, no wins. Only 3 points won out of an available 21. Bag of shite.

More Harrowing Stuff

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 440

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Mison 22]
HARROW BOROUGH - 1  [Hurlock p29]

The U’s painful start to the season continued at GGL last night, with Harrow being the latest side to take at least a point from Sutton by employing the cunning tactic of just simply turning up. Those devious bastards. The only answer we can think of it it’s some form of conspiracy as pretty much everybody we’ve played in the last couple of seasons has done it to us.

Could Be Worse...

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 627

BILLERICAY TOWN - 2  [Opara 44. Moore 76]
SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Haworth 89]

Engaged in a pre-season conversation with a supporter of another fine Ryman Premier division team, I was asked the obvious question “How d’you reckon the U’s will do this year?”.

Learning Portugese...

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 532

SUTTON UNITED - 0
CHESHAM UNITED - 1  [Andrews 48]

Well this is getting really boring. Boring writing the same stuff week in week out after another poor performance from a Sutton side we honestly expect just a little bit better from. To be perfectly honest, I’m running out of ways to write “We were bollocks again”. Maybe I could learn a foreign language??

The Point Is...

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 483

SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Mison 65. Fowler 77]
BOREHAM WOOD - 2  [Meah 20. Dixon 45]

Ah, the first home game of the season. An expectant crowd looking for a good first perfomance to ge the season really under way. A cup of tea and a sausage roll from Rose’s tea hut and a chance to get stuck into the officials for being shite as normal.

Bullet to the Brain(tree)

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 390

BRAINTREE TOWN - 3  [Gutzmore 19.68. Simpson 49]
SUTTON UNITED - 0

Cheers lads. No, really. Having experienced one of the most appalling runs of form by a Sutton side last season, we thought this year might be a bit different.

Locked Out

PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY
Att: N/A

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Akuamouah]
HAYES - 2  [Couple of blokes]

Played @ Merland Rise, Banstead

Sutton rounded off their pre-season program with a disappointing defeat against Conference side Hayes in the unfamiliar surroundings of Banstead’s Merland Rise ground today.

A Blue Day

PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY
Att: N/A

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Palmer]
CHELSEA XI - 2  [Cole. Alexidze]

Don’t you just bloody hate that?? Just as you’re halfway through trying to write up an entertaining (for a friendly anyway!) match report and Mr Gates finest piece of Word Processing software goes tits up and loses the fucking lot. Bastard.

Five'fer Eagles

PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY 
Att: 1127

Gwynne Berry Testimonial 
SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Fowler 7]
CRYSTAL PALACE - 5  [Kabba. Evans 2. Martini 2]

At last, just the 2 seasons after it was originally announced, Gwynne Berry’s testimonial finally comes around.

Gas Gas Gas!

PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY
Att: N/A

SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Fowler 55.59]
BRISTOL ROVERS - 2  [Ellington 77. Gall 82]

Ahhh. Another pre-season Saturday. But one with a difference. It’s hot. Fucking hot. In fact I can’t remember the last time I watched a match in such heat. But then again, due to the alcohol consumed during my adult years, even if I had attended such a game at some point in my lifetime, I probably wouldn’t remember it anyway.

Falling 'Leafe

PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY
Att: N/A

WHYTELEAFE - 1  [Tall Person 82]
SUTTON UNITED - 4  [Folwer 15.28. Gray 75. Arkwright 89]

After the delights of the 2 opening friendlies against league oppo, we move onto a fixture more becoming of us. Yep, it's our annual pre-season saunter down to Church Road, Whyteleafe.

Fortune Cookie

PRE-SEASON FRIENDLY
Att: 1022

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Fowler p42]
WIMBLEDON - 3  [Andersen 25. Ardley p60. Gray 80]

Christ. A second home friendly in two weeks! And against league opposition no less! This is something of a surprise in these parts as we’re normally lucky if we get 1 home game pre-season these days. And that’s normally against some nondescript 2nd division outfit who can only be arsed to send their youth team player's pets.

Beginning Again

PRE SEASON FRIENDLY
Att: 652

SUTTON UNITED - 0
BRENTFORD - 0

And so beginneth another season! Aren't we all excited?

Only 59 Days To The Start Of The Season

FRIENDLY MATCH 
Att: N\A

SUTTON UNITED - 3     [Bolt. Haworth. Whitmarsh]
CHELSEA XI - 3      [Parkin. Pitt 2]

You know the saying that the break between the end and beginning of footy seasons is getting shorter all the time? Well...

Thank Christ That’s Over

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 

ENFIELD - 2  [Eyres 28.43]
SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Haworth 50. Whitmarsh 79]

Thank god for that. Another looooong season over and done with. Not that we’ll be looking back on this one with any great affection.

Blobby, Donald, Your Boys Took A Hell Of A Beating!

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att:

SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Haworth 63. Bolt 87]
MAIDENHEAD UNITED - 0     

Sutton made it 3 wins on the trot yesterday with a 2-0 win over struggling Maidenhead. Yes, you read that right. Three wins. In a row.

Nurse! The Screens…

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 385

SUTTON UNITED - 4  [McCormack 25. Palmer 50. Baker 55. Boothe 77]
ST ALBANS CITY - 2  [Andrews 30. Pratt 66]

Bloody hell. Not only does this win at home gives us two consecutive victories for the first time in donkeys, it gives us our second ‘double’ of the season. I think I need a lie down...

Naughty Hand Signals Can Get You Sent Off

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 306

CHESHAM UNITED - 0     
SUTTON UNITED - 3  [Haworth 50. Whitmarsh 60. Gray 90]

Bob and I headed into the picturesque Chess Valley for the U’s penultimate away game against Chesham. Not exactly brimming with confidence after the quite quite horrendous abortion that passed for a ‘performance’ on Tuesday night.

Baked Goods

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 389

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Boothe 65]
BILLERICAY TOWN - 4  [Baker 13.36. OG 44. Gentle 47]

With our somewhat arse form since the turn of the year, we’d always had this one down as a big opportunity for the boys from Essex to give us a good hiding in return for the one we dished out back in October. A stonking win that now seems sooooo long ago.

We Love Paul Whitmarsh we do

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 902

SUTTON UNITED - 3  [Whitmarsh 15.54. Harlow 44]
BOBBINS - 1  [Fowler p31]

Wahey!!!  The U’s finally decide to win a match in 2001 with yours truly present. And what a game to win, once again cementing our place as the number 1 team in the borough by sending the Scummers packing back to Coldsore Avenue with another nail in their relegation coffin courtesy of  a 3-1 beating.

Never Trust An Essex Cabbie

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 310

HEYBRIDGE SWIFTS - 2  [Lee 25. Warwick 84]
SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Bolt 40. Haworth 89]

Bloody hell. What a day. Many more like this and I’m going to have to check into the ‘Priory’ (No, not Zoe Ball’s C4 proggie) for stress treatment, like what that nice Mr Collymore had.

Unbeaten In Two!

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 659

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Whitmarsh 78]
ALDERSHOT TOWN - 1  [Protheroe 58]

Despite our improved performance and scrambled point on Saturday, I have to say I didn't reckon we’d get too much out of this one.

Matty Prevents Another ‘Gray’ Day

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 466

SUTTON UNITED - 3  [Bolt 3. Honey 48. Gray 90]
HARROW BOROUGH - 3  [Howell 7. Woodruffe 37. Gavin 85]

Well, it’s sort of a start I suppose.

A Tram To The End Of The Line

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 204

CROYDON - 2  [McFarland 20. Carthy 72]
SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Boothe 78]

End of the line. All out. Well, maybe just you two. Yeah, you in the dugout.

A 'Fleeting Glance Downwards

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 189

PURFLEET - 2  [McFarland 20. Carthy 72]
SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Boothe 78] 

Match Reporter: Bob

Yes you’ve guessed it, another game and another defeat and there is no nice way to say this but we were shite.

Er, John??

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 390

SUTTON UNITED – 2  [Haworth 31. Boothe 58]
GRAYS ATHLETIC – 3  [Douglas 40. McCloud 55. Abraham 76] 

Uh oh. We might be in trouble here. Big trouble.

Another Harrow-ing Experience

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 180

HARROW BOROUGH – 2  [Flukey 31. Valenti 55]
SUTTON UNITED – 1  [Bolt 42]

Bollocks, crap, shite, wank, pants, toilet, cack.

All words that could (and knowing me, probably will be.....) used to describe yet another miserable result in a season of generally miserable results for the U’s.

Well, Wasn't That Exciting?

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 526

SLOUGH TOWN – 4  [Marshall 21.37. Cross 22. Hall 85]
SUTTON UNITED– 4  [Ekoku 12. Bolt p54. Whitmarsh 58.83]

After returning to our less than impressive form on Tuesday and giving Enfield a bloody 3 goal start, we headed to Slough looking to try and lift ourselves again and setup a decent run in for the remainder of the season.

Normal Service Resumed

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 446

SUTTON UNITED – 2  [Haworth 50. Ekoku 60]
ENFIELD – 3     Allen (18)(28) Chandler (30)

Well that's just sodding marvellous. I faithfully stand and watch about 3 months of complete bollocks, then pop off to my beloved’s for a SINGLE weekend to celebrate her birthday and what do they do?? They win bloody 7-1.

There’s Only One Gus Hurdle!

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 509

SUTTON UNITED - 7  [Boothe 23. Whitmarsh 25. Haworth 35.75. Bolt 60.66.86]
DULWICH – 1  [Sears 31]

Match Reporter: Chalmers

I left Bob & Chalmers to scrap it out amongst themselves for the ‘honour’ of doing this one as I was away in not-so-sunny Cleethorpes for the missus birthday and was freezing my bollocks off watching Grimsby - Barnsley as this somewhat unexpected rout typically unfolded without me present. It appears Mr Chalmers drew the short straw, albeit initially...

Where Is Everybody?

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 387

SUTTON UNITED - 2  [Bolt 64. p69]
CHESHAM UNITED - 3 [Renner 47. Browne 67. Statham p86]

And so our miserable run continues. And another home defeat. Although it has to be said, at least we gave it a bloody go in this one.

Wake Me Up When We Win One...

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 520

HITCHIN TOWN - 3  [Nolan 50.86. Parker 78]
SUTTON UNITED - 0  

Remember what I wrote after Tuesdays game?? Where I requested that our currently under-performing heroes start actually playing for the full 90 minutes and not 45?? Well, it looks like they weren't paying the slightest bit of attention.

When Does Next Season Start??

SURREY SENIOR CUP 2nd ROUND
Att: 180

WHYTELEAFE - 2  [Unknown 55.78]
SUTTON UNITED – 0  

Before I get to the report, I’d just like to point out to certain people that it’s getting really fucking tedious writing about the same shit game after game. When are you tossers going to give me something REMOTELY interesting to write about??

A Pocahontas In The Eye

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 543

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Ekoku 10]
GRAVESEND & NORTHFLEET - 4  [Stadhart 6.p20.73. Barnett 83]

If you’ve read Bob’s fine report form our Tuesday night tanking at Canvey, you’ll notice he brought up the subject of ‘deja Vu’. You know, that foreign word for “seen this crap before somewhere”? Got it? Well, if you’d seen this nonsense today, you’d know exactly what he meant.

Six on the Island

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 331

CANVEY ISLAND – 6  [Vaughan 22.46. Gregory 48. Tilson 53. Duffy 78. Clark 90]
SUTTON UNITED - 2 [Williams 48. Whitmarsh 55]

Match Reporter: Bob

Who went to Morcambe last season and came back thinking “How the fuck did we lose that 6-2?” when we nearly had them in the second half? Well I think I just watched the video repeat on Tuesday night. But in real life. The difference being one's cold and in fucking Canvey, the other's a video.

Battered By The Beavers

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 550

HAMPTON & RICHMOND - 3  [Barnsby 28. Williams 70.89]
SUTTON UNITED – 1  [OG 23]

Just a little excerpt regarding Hampton from my report for the earlier meeting at GGL between the two sides “...but they’re expected to be in the bottom half again this season and to let teams like that come from behind TWICE at home isn’t acceptable.”

A Brief Flash Of Optimism…Oh

RYMAN FULL MEMBERS CUP 3rd ROUND
Att: 110

UXBRIDGE - 2  [Tunnel 5. Clarke 79]
SUTTON UNITED - 0  

Silly me. Got carried away there for a moment. We go and sign a good solid striker in Rob Haworth to partner Whitmarsh up front and I’m off thinking we can actually start winning games again.
Wrong again Taz!

Well, We’re Still In It!

SURREY SENIOR CUP 1st ROUND
Att: 206

SUTTON UNITED - 1  [Whitmarsh 14]
DULWICH HAMLET - 0

Any port in a storm eh? Well, after what seemed like months without a game, the U’s returned to action at home to Dulwich in the first round of the Surrey Cup.

Another Small Hitch-in

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 520

SUTTON UNITED – 1  [Bolt 84]
HITCHIN TOWN – 1  [Parker 56]

Sorry folks, but this weeks report will be a tadge sketchy as I was only present for the second half. I had a funeral to attend in Manchester and as we came off the M25 onto the A217 just before half time, I decided to try and catch at least some of the action. You know what? I’m too bloody dedicated, that’s my problem...

The Good, The Bad & The So So

RYMAN PREMIER DIVISION
Att: 781

FARNBOROUGH TOWN - 2 [Piper 24.71]
SUTTON – 1  [Boothe 24]

Well, here we are. Another New Year with just loads of fun packed Ryman Premier action to keep us amused til May. I don’t think!